Emotion’s Roost (Line Messaging)

A life is judged by a person’s actions

and guided by notions.

However, don’t forget, ugly emotions.

No matter how good the intentions, emotions efface.

Causing a  possible fall from grace.

The mission of a person is to find a special place.

A place emotions can feel at ease roosting

where their existence does not have to be proven with shouting

This place, where they can glimmer, can be found only  in writing.

 

Advertisements

Forever A Clown

I was a joke, when I was young.

Laughter, so loud, at my expense stung.

The sound bending me over in agony.

Hunkered down, took a journey.

Mind went afar hoping laughter done when awoke.

Older now, sadly naught changed since I was a joke.

Think I would learn, to deal with pain.

Joy, with role as clown, I could feign.

This one ability, could save me my face.

Instead, tears engage in a race.

No matter what I do, I follow the same pattern.

I am a clown to all around…think I would learn.

Don’t Know If I Wanna Go (Rondel)

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

What is a ticket worth?

Was I issued one at birth?

Is that my long awaited mental haven?

If I do go, I hope my legs are freshly shaved

and I’m wearing a girdle to reduce my girth.

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

What is a ticket worth?

If I do go, I hope all are seen as even

not unequal like here on earth.

I don’t want to be looked at with mirth

or, worse yet, others who were told of my sins faces being graven.

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

Please (Etheree)

You

see me

as I want

to be seen by

others in the world.

The gift you give with eyes

felt like sparks of pure delight

starting its warm feel good journey

in my lonely heart, jolts of heat spreads

to my toes and finger tips..NEVER STOP!

Call to the Common (Quatrain)

To see who you are now, take a look at your history.
Often the stories of the past are
Persons of wealth and power are glorified.
Why is a mystery.

After all, it was the lowly left to bleed
while the elites stayed home to breed.
The common person lived in the ruling mass’ shadow.
This injustice should not continue…agreed?

Now people of the ghetto
don’t think you have no wisdom to bestow.
I assure you the tales you have are the choicest.
To all those who dare to raise their voice…Bravo!

Even if you are the coyest,
people say your stories are the crudest,
and beg you to leave this task to the aptest
please don’t take it to heart because your stories are the richest.

Senryu

People all around

Yet I’m all alone

Sad state to be in

Mother’s Day 2013

As of a few moments ago, I hit a Mommy all time low.

I asked a girl, who is about my daughter’s age, to be my pretend daughter this year.

How sad is that?

This is not literary trickery,

this is my real life.

I know it’s something unheard of

to have a child who wants nothing to do with you…

but that is the reality that rips out my heart every day

and this Mother’s Day

will slam it to the ground and stomp all the blood out.

So, in reality,

my pathetic request of a young lady

who does not despise me and who,

I honestly believe,

believes I have some worth…

is an attempt to save my life.

I know one day

Baby of mine

will allow me

back into her life.

My only goal…

is to live and see that day.

That will be the day

I will be resurrected

no longer be this shell of a woman

you now see before you.

Begging

Born a beggar with hand held out.

“Pardon me sir, can you spare a hug?”

“Excuse me lady, do you have an extra kiss?”

Food, shelter and clothing
Were panhandling earnings. However, yearnings were for so much more.

Desire was great to be that one gift in a person’s life

that made them think THEY were not worthy

to be in possession

of someone

full of light fresh from HEAVEN.

This is the birthright this beggar was denied.

So here I am….a beggar with hand held out.

Peace Found

I saw the lake

I sat on the rock

I listened to the sounds

I shut off my mind

PEACE is what I found

I was beauty as far as the eye could see

I was comfort for those who sought rest

I had all the right words at the right time

I LOVED me at that moment

Peace is what I found

You find that place

You take a seat

You listen to all the sounds around

You shut off your mind

PEACE is what you will find

Mother’s RIng

After being reminded of our Mother’s birthday,

I remembered the Mother’s ring she was given by us all

on some occasion I do not recall.

I do not know what her feelings

were

or are

about that ring

but I do know mine.

I remember growing up

being amazed

how all the stones were arranged

in a way that would make anyone think each stone,

right to left,

were not placed in order of birth.

September’s sapphires placed at either end.

The first was a son.

The last was a son.

Both turned out to be the daughter’s emotional rocks.

Always looking at the sensibility of living in a family unit

and enjoying

not having the emotional outbursts

that rocked the boat of our clan.

They have learned

if they walked away long enough…

all would be well when they returned.

Next to sapphires is the garnets.

Eldest daughter

Youngest daughter

Both share the same dirty brown stone,

 loud laughs everyone enjoys hearing…

and little else.

The eldest found her path in life early and never thought to stray.

The youngest path is a wondering one

she has no want to find ”the path” but explore them all.

Both believe paths are ”right”

and never see eye to eye.

Both blind to their similarity

of freely giving bits of wisdom

out of love.

In the middle of the ring

 two stones that have no match.

Growing up,

I felt sad

about their aloneness.

Only after getting older,

and learning who the people were

did I see the connection

between the stones

and the persons.

The Diamond is rare

holds great value.

Worth of the pale stone

risks being forgotten

when surrounded by all the color.

This person,

like the diamond,

stands out

catching fire in the light.

She draws eyes

to the beauty of the stones

yet refuses to be outshone by them.

The lone emerald

the remaining daughter

just like in the ring

brings a sense of peace

and purity

to the collection.

Both beautiful enough to stand alone

but opts to bring he gifts to all.

I loved that ring as a child.

The ring is how

I knew my older brothers and sisters.

I hope Mom passes it on to me.

As long as that ring has us all in a row together,

I have hope

someday,we can do the same.

Free from past baggage

and learn to appreciate the beauty of each other.

Much love to them all

from this

dirty red

Garnet.

Taking the Love Outta Love

Sitting here freshly bathed
Panties not bothered to be put on

Expecting
Waiting
Praying

For some effort made from your side

Nothing
Nada
Zilch

You make it clear it will happen
But only when your ready

Touching
Stroking
Moaning

But that’s just you prepping
This, I’ve learned is my sign to be
prepared

Tension
Tears
Silence

Is all I can give with this approach
This love-making is not what we had before
yet your expectations are the same

Faceless
Nameless
receptacle

Is how your actions make me feel
Tried to use words to express how I feel
You respond with silence
The sex, I don’t miss

Comfort
Commitment
Closeness

I miss those being between us
Wish these things could be fixed

Putting on a Show

My JOY is a dancing elephant

Bigger than life standing on two feet

Putting on a show for all those watching

Smiles are on all who can’t help to find the positive vibes

from this Majestic Beast infectious

People’s minds are so focused on what they are seeing

somehow

someway

they forget

This oddity that fills them with so much elation

is in reality just a

plain ol grey pachyderm

and something that would be easy to ignore

and forgotten

The illusion is kept

as long as can be

However, like all good things, the dancing ends

The beast is tired and can’t continue to entertain

Two feet that were once in the air; come down

without a sound

A proud trunk which once delighted the crowd with a trumpeting sounds

Now went limp with exhaustion

and the now hidden mouth is panting

The once exalted animal exits the arena

Those who once were enthralled

divert their attention

to the new attraction put in place

diverting attention from the lumbering animal’s slow retreat

After departure of the now forgotten spectical

People continued to have a grand time

untill they were told it was time to head home…

When the time has come for the tent to come down

People heading out never associated the big animals doing manual labor

who they feel no sympathy

with the fascinating beasts

who defied gravity  and made grand sounds

bringing them such delight.

That is why

my joy is a dancing elephant.

Not a poem just some free writing that will lead up to one with time. :)

I once got lost in the town I lived in.

It was the middle of the night not another car in sight.

Everything looked familiar yet strange.

Right when I ran out of gas and I laid my head on the wheel wondering if I would ever be found….my step-dad Ray knocked on the window.

To this day he has been the only man who missed me when I was gone enough to go that extra mile to find me.

That is a story I need to tell.

He Let Her Dance

A girl,
denied her youth,
steals a moment.
Rain falling
Sun shining
Puddles forming
Believed her new umbrella
would be her only witness
as she danced without worry
just for an instant.
She finally felt the joy
of not trying to be perfect.
Shoes wet
Movements clumsy
Umbrella twirling
Her treasured moment
was shattered in an instant.
A man she spied
who was not her Father
yet claimed he loved her Mother.
All efforts to be perfect…gone.
She was caught
being perfectly imperfect.
Her dismay turned to delight.
Eyes did not belittle
Voice did not raise
Mouth did not frown
Her heavy heart lifted.
She felt tiny seed of worth planted
and vowed to love him forever
in an instant.

Scruffy Angel With A Message

I want to share a story to show my gratitude for one of the best gifts I have ever been given.

The gift I hold so dear, was presented to be by a fellow junkie.

We had nothing in common besides our shared addiction and the building we were housed in.

We would kill time between therapy, smokes, snacks, and meals talking about this, that, and nothing.

However, during one of our one on one stress relieving sessions, I told a story that was always so painful and filled me with shame…

Even though I was only a child and the victim.

As soon as I started…

I wanted to stop…

but couldn’t.

Instead I told my sad tale like it was a joke.

I laughed at my pain so as not to burden this recent stranger with feeling obligated to pretend he cared and give me some token pity.

I wanted to end it with a final laugh and give him a Newport as payment for his time…

But to my surprise no pity was given. In its place I was given the permission to allow my feelings be first.

He told me my story was not funny and I did not need to laugh.

He knew what happened must have hurt…

The weight of my pain was less as he showed me compassion.

He said when somebody hurts me it should not be funny.

He gently put his hand on mine and said he thought it would be better if I cried.

At that moment that wonderful junkie served as a wittiness to my tears I always kept hidden…

When I already felt he gave me so much…he gave me one more.

I saw tears fall from his eyes.

How could a victim ask for anything more!

Soon after, we went our separate ways…

But I swear this on a stack of Bibles…his gift will always remain close to my heart.

And in my heart, I know this grand gift could never be given by a nice junkie unless God used him to teach me this life changing lesson.

I don’t ask why God allowed such a bad thing to happen.

Asking why does not take pain away. It did, and that’s that.

However, the pain I lived with for so long did feel less the day God used a kind junkie to give me the permission and compassion needed to make it easier to deal with. 

A Reflection’s Final Adieu

My worth is more than the reflection of you that I allow you to see.

You like what you see of you reflected in my eyes.

Consider my reflection of a gift…from me to you.

However, I would be remiss if I did not warn.

While my reflection of you is true…

My goal is to find the person who reflects me the very way I reflect you.

I know there is beauty to be found in the ugly I feel.

This is the truth of the matter…

We are not creatures designed to live in this world solo. We all feel the need to be part of a duo.

I used to think you were my other half but time has shown the reflection of you is why you want me by your side

I AM MORE THAN A MIRROR IN A CAGE!

This is evident with the anger you show when I turn you pretty reflection off and allow the ugly shine thru

Or when you display irrational jealousy when I care enough to reflect another in a loving effort to allow them to see the beauty they have.

I am hoping you someday find the person you can see your reflection in and care enough about to reflect them back…

But my time reflecting you is over and done.

It’s time for me to go in search for my radiant reflection in somebody new.

Adieu

A Mother’s Confession

Time for mommy to come clean…and reveal her innermost thoughts.

They are not pretty

Voices in my head chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame!”

Beats of my heart thump,
“Let it out! Let it out!”

First, let me be blunt…I did not want the responsibility of being a Mom

Despite what the voices in my head say, I am not stupid…

Growing up, I was not given the opportunity to learn by example

AND

How could I love the creation of someone I hated?

I planned on spending my life finding a HERO who was willing to take on this ZERO

Afterall, I did not know what was missing….

As a child, I always did as instructed…

I was to watch the world around me…

Active participation was forbidden!

I always delivered the lines I was given…I was dumb, I was lazy, I was thoughtless, I was dirty….

I always observed other players with awe and envy…

Why did they always get top billing?

I felt the HAPPY, PRIDE, CONTENTMENT, and SECURITY from them as they walked by…and felt empty inside…but they NEVER took a second look.

I figured they were instructed to over look.

Throughout it all…a whisper would occasionally tickle my ear, “Take the smile off.”

Occasionally, I was embolden enough to follow that whisper’s instruction

Alas!

Parental, family, and religious correction was always swiftly given

The primary rule, me and my siblings were given, was always keep our smiles in place because ANY form of happy kept secrets HIDDEN…

Any secret revealed would mean the end of our world and WE ALL would be left with nothing

Long story short….

At 17 I knew I was of age to explore and find me…

However, due to lack of guidance at the time it took awhile to find what I was instructed to keep hidden.

I found myself playing a role of a good for nothing person who had no worth

This was the role I was playing when I got knocked up by a guy I now refer to as, “Her Father.”

Despite the handicap I was given, I knew, some way and some how I had to do better than I was given.

I had to figure a way to use the information I gathered watching others around me…

I grand plan was put in place…

The plan had only two  goals in mind…

My daughter would know she has a VOICE and given the POWER to use it come what may…

I swore, these two things I was denied she would have.

Don’t get me wrong it was a hard task to under take.

You see, it’s hard for a broken to raise a whole…

Turns out God was on my side and the desired end result was accomplished

However, my sorrow runs deep the price paid for this grand designs to be seen to futation is steep.

The price paid for this nobel plan of action was the Mom being seen for what she is….something to be left behind.

It’s expected…

I taught her to expect the best walk away from anything less.

I showed her all my flaws cause the only way to teach her what to be was to show her what not to be (which was me)

Yes, I wish I could turn back the time and show her by being the person I wanted her to be….

I wish we shared more hugs and kisses….

But with heavy heart I knew raising a child was not about me.

I am proud to say my daughter is perfection.

Looking back I now realize the process of raising her was also the process of raising me.

Perhaps in time, she will desire to know the woman I never knew untill recently myself.

But if not, my tears are wiped away by the knowledge of my success in raising a whole while broken myself.

Hurting You Don’t Come Easy (response to Neil Diamond’s song of same title)

I never stopped askin’ why
Boy, my well’s always been full.
Then again, you were always a prideful fool.

Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason
You shoulda stayed

Once you acted so sure of us
But what was once upon a time before our fairy tale ended.
Your mind, not time changed
You quit on our dreams of finding “happily ever after”

Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason
You shoulda stayed

Have you ever found what you seek?
Did you even get a peek?
I hope you discover, before you die, what you want you left behind.

If you don’t look behind to find your future

Boy, it hurts me to tell you

I don’t care where you go

or who you meet

you will always find your well full of sand

Because, my love, I have all your water.


Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason…

You needed to stay.
God only knows.

Selfish Me

Have you ever wanted it to take just one of your tears to drop to make the world stop?

Feel like you matter to the collective?

Have you ever felt the shame of thinking, “Excuse me! The pain I’m in matters!”

Have you ever got tired of asking for that shoulder to cry on?

Have you ever prayed for one single person to know you were suffering

and the smile behind everything you say is just an easy way of buffing those from being burned by you?

Am I alone on wanting one of the single tears up make the world stop?

just for an instant…