Defection to Happy (Sestina)

I am visiting this new land called Happy
I don’t know how to act.
All my life I have lived in Despair.
I never liked living there, because it is very glum.
However, my feeling of this new land of Happy is fright.
But, I will travel on despite.

I never felt the joy that forms a smile I attempt one despite.
What makes all the people feel cheery in Happy?
Do they know what it feels like to feel fright?
Could all this bliss be an act?
Does the monotony of content make the natives glum?
I can’t help it I feel home sick for Despair.

Is it my emotional predisposition for misery, which destined me for Despair?
Could I learn to be a Happizite despite
my life long teachings of how to be glum?
I admit I have a fascination with this land of Happy.
Perhaps things would be alright if pleased I could act
and keep hidden, from those all around, my fright.

How does a person mask fright?
When they lived their whole life in Despair?
Is delighted still a wonderful feeling if it is an act?
Can the act ever become fact despite
being a foreigner to Happy?
Or am I forever doomed, no matter the effort, to be glum?

I don’t want to be glum.
I don’t want to feel fright.
I want to live forever in Happy.
I want to defect from Despair.
No matter I was born a Despairian, I want to be a Happizite despite.
I want to feel glee for real and not have it be only an act.

I have decided, I will drop my act and no longer feel glum.
I will do this despite my feelings of horrible fright.
I herby revoke my citizenship to Despair, and pledge my allegiance to Happy!

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Torment To Content

I don’t know how to feel content.

Why does this ability escape me?

What if content, I was never meant?

 

I feel at ease with torment.

I fed on its teat as a baby.

I don’t know how to feel content.

 

Out of duty, I pay torment’s rent

I know holding on to feeling bad is crazy.

What if content, I was never meant?

 

To torment, I want to revoke my consent.

If I had something to feel instead I could act bravely.

I don’t know how to feel content.

 

I hate the bond between torment and me is cement!

With shame I admit, to something so vile, I am still clingy.

What if content, I was never meant?

 

Escape from torment I am hell-bent!

The risk of feeling nothing instead…I still agree.

I don’t know how to feel content.

What if content I was never meant?

Defection to Happy (Sestina)

I am visiting this new land called Happy

I don’t know how to act.

All my life I have lived in Despair.

I never liked living there, because it is very glum.

However, my feeling of this new land of Happy is fright.

But, I will travel on despite.

I never felt the joy that forms a smile I attempt one despite.

What makes all the people feel cheery in Happy?

Do they know what it feels like to feel fright?

Could all this bliss be an act?

Does the monotony of content make the natives glum?

I can’t help it I feel home sick for Despair.

Is it my emotional predisposition for misery, which destined me for Despair?

Could I learn to be a Happizite despite

my life long teachings of how to be glum?

I admit I have a fascination with this land of Happy.

Perhaps things would be alright if pleased I could act

and keep hidden, from those all around, my fright.

How does a person mask fright?

When they lived their whole life in Despair?

Is delighted still a wonderful feeling if it is an act?

Can the act ever become fact despite

being a foreigner to Happy?

Or am I forever doomed, no matter the effort, to be glum?

I don’t want to be glum.

I don’t want to feel fright.

I want to live forever in Happy.

I want to defect from Despair.

No matter I was born a Despairian, I want to be a Happizite despite.

I want to feel glee for real and not have it be only an act.

I have decided, I will drop my act and no longer feel glum.

I will do this despite my feelings of horrible fright.

I herby revoke my citizenship to Despair, and pledge my allegiance to Happy!

Known But Never Seen (A Love Story)

I fell in love today with someone I have always known.

 She was brushing her hair, and I was brushing mine.

 when I caught her eye, no lie, for the very first time.

Her face had no make-up.

 This gave me a chance to absorb her natural, even if it was raw, realness.

It was beauty beyond what can be found in magazines.

 Her allure was in her imperfections

and not some manufactured rendition of beauty.

Seeing my new found love this way,

I took a moment to appreciate visual evidence of every

 laugh she unleashed, frown she felt, scowl she showed,

and every moment she felt nothing

because those where the things which carved the face I adore,

and serves as her witness to the life she had endured.

In our many encounters, we had showered together before.

This time, however, we knew the experience would be different

I was going to take this time to know every inch of her.

 She was scared, doubting us indulging in this delight was right.

Knowing this, I did not rush her.

I knew she would open up in time.

I let her go through her shower routine.

I allowed her the initial downpour from the shower.

I knew, those first moments was when

she soaked in the sensation of being blessed with being clean.

I appreciated the way that she tilted her head up to the heavens

and slowly rotated;

making sure every part of her was sanctified by wetness.

When this holy moment passed,

we had fun singing off tune

any bits and pieces of tunes that caught our fancy.

 As we enjoyed this freeness,

 I was struck how she just gave me

one of the rarest gifts…nobody before me…saw

 her like this.

When she started the process of washing her hair

 was when I knew it was my time…

to make my move and let her know

the celestial being she was

by allowing her to view her radiant light through my eyes.

 As I lathered her hair, I told her to relax and enjoy.

My fingers messaging her head with just the right pressure.

Slowly, I could feel and see her muscles trust by surrendering

to my tender touch.

After she was shampooed and conditioned…and I wiped her eyes,

I could see all doubt about our taboo time together

in the shower erased.

Her eyes were hooded.

Each touch I slowly reverently administered she allowed

to shine the light of her essence.

 Her legs, which she thought stumpy and shapeless, she now saw as strong.

Her arms, she hated showing,

she became aware of the elegance

as they stretched up and her fingers dripped fragrant floral suds.

Her breasts, she saw only value being as sexual lures,

she no saw how the magic of their adaptions

throughout every one of her major life changes.

 Together we mourned for the pain wearing

confining contraption brought to the tissue

that loyally stood guard over her heart.

I made sure she was aware

any part of her that endured so much as they had

and bore the forever scars and temporary marks

never deserved to be considered less that exquisite.

When our showered ended…

I did the exalting of parts once more as I dried her off.

He once, pale skin was a rosy red with all the attention I gave it.

Before I wrapped her beauty up in a towel,

I stood her in front of the mirror and said,

“This is me, looking at me, and today I fell in love with the person I’ve always known but never took the time to see and appreciate before.”

 

 

 

Decay Someday (Kyrielle)

At times I fool myself into believing I’m the boss.

Then I remember, I’m not. So I finish putting on my face with lip gloss.

I look at the finished creation of my Revlon face to see if it is right for the role I play.

I can’t fight the truth. Every day I live is a day closer to decay.

I do what I must to get what I need so I smile and nod as people pass.

Knowing all the while, the sand I have left is slipping away from my life’s hourglass.

Even though I know my time is short, I continue on. I was taught to obey.

I can’t fight the truth. Every day I live is a day closer to decay.

Doing the same thing as yesterday and the day before that…I start to feel stuck.

Life is so banal. Start to think it would be a nice change of pace to be hit by a truck.

Just my life’s luck, in my daily  travels, no diversion from boredom can be found on the highway.

I can’t fight the truth. Every day I live is a day closer to decay.

Home for the night and settled in. As usual, my activity is channel surfing for a life to live for the night.

Never finding the life I want…seems I am not alone in this crappy life plight.

I know I should consider each day I am giving a blessing…but I don’t.  Forgivness  is asked when I pray.

I can’t fight the truth. Every day I live is a day closer to decay.

Don’t Know If I Wanna Go (Rondel)

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

What is a ticket worth?

Was I issued one at birth?

Is that my long awaited mental haven?

If I do go, I hope my legs are freshly shaved

and I’m wearing a girdle to reduce my girth.

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

What is a ticket worth?

If I do go, I hope all are seen as even

not unequal like here on earth.

I don’t want to be looked at with mirth

or, worse yet, others who were told of my sins faces being graven.

Will I be given a place in Heaven?

Please (Etheree)

You

see me

as I want

to be seen by

others in the world.

The gift you give with eyes

felt like sparks of pure delight

starting its warm feel good journey

in my lonely heart, jolts of heat spreads

to my toes and finger tips..NEVER STOP!

Peace Found

I saw the lake

I sat on the rock

I listened to the sounds

I shut off my mind

PEACE is what I found

I was beauty as far as the eye could see

I was comfort for those who sought rest

I had all the right words at the right time

I LOVED me at that moment

Peace is what I found

You find that place

You take a seat

You listen to all the sounds around

You shut off your mind

PEACE is what you will find

Taking the Love Outta Love

Sitting here freshly bathed
Panties not bothered to be put on

Expecting
Waiting
Praying

For some effort made from your side

Nothing
Nada
Zilch

You make it clear it will happen
But only when your ready

Touching
Stroking
Moaning

But that’s just you prepping
This, I’ve learned is my sign to be
prepared

Tension
Tears
Silence

Is all I can give with this approach
This love-making is not what we had before
yet your expectations are the same

Faceless
Nameless
receptacle

Is how your actions make me feel
Tried to use words to express how I feel
You respond with silence
The sex, I don’t miss

Comfort
Commitment
Closeness

I miss those being between us
Wish these things could be fixed

Not a poem just some free writing that will lead up to one with time. :)

I once got lost in the town I lived in.

It was the middle of the night not another car in sight.

Everything looked familiar yet strange.

Right when I ran out of gas and I laid my head on the wheel wondering if I would ever be found….my step-dad Ray knocked on the window.

To this day he has been the only man who missed me when I was gone enough to go that extra mile to find me.

That is a story I need to tell.

He Let Her Dance

A girl,
denied her youth,
steals a moment.
Rain falling
Sun shining
Puddles forming
Believed her new umbrella
would be her only witness
as she danced without worry
just for an instant.
She finally felt the joy
of not trying to be perfect.
Shoes wet
Movements clumsy
Umbrella twirling
Her treasured moment
was shattered in an instant.
A man she spied
who was not her Father
yet claimed he loved her Mother.
All efforts to be perfect…gone.
She was caught
being perfectly imperfect.
Her dismay turned to delight.
Eyes did not belittle
Voice did not raise
Mouth did not frown
Her heavy heart lifted.
She felt tiny seed of worth planted
and vowed to love him forever
in an instant.

A Mother’s Confession

Time for mommy to come clean…and reveal her innermost thoughts.

They are not pretty

Voices in my head chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame!”

Beats of my heart thump,
“Let it out! Let it out!”

First, let me be blunt…I did not want the responsibility of being a Mom

Despite what the voices in my head say, I am not stupid…

Growing up, I was not given the opportunity to learn by example

AND

How could I love the creation of someone I hated?

I planned on spending my life finding a HERO who was willing to take on this ZERO

Afterall, I did not know what was missing….

As a child, I always did as instructed…

I was to watch the world around me…

Active participation was forbidden!

I always delivered the lines I was given…I was dumb, I was lazy, I was thoughtless, I was dirty….

I always observed other players with awe and envy…

Why did they always get top billing?

I felt the HAPPY, PRIDE, CONTENTMENT, and SECURITY from them as they walked by…and felt empty inside…but they NEVER took a second look.

I figured they were instructed to over look.

Throughout it all…a whisper would occasionally tickle my ear, “Take the smile off.”

Occasionally, I was embolden enough to follow that whisper’s instruction

Alas!

Parental, family, and religious correction was always swiftly given

The primary rule, me and my siblings were given, was always keep our smiles in place because ANY form of happy kept secrets HIDDEN…

Any secret revealed would mean the end of our world and WE ALL would be left with nothing

Long story short….

At 17 I knew I was of age to explore and find me…

However, due to lack of guidance at the time it took awhile to find what I was instructed to keep hidden.

I found myself playing a role of a good for nothing person who had no worth

This was the role I was playing when I got knocked up by a guy I now refer to as, “Her Father.”

Despite the handicap I was given, I knew, some way and some how I had to do better than I was given.

I had to figure a way to use the information I gathered watching others around me…

I grand plan was put in place…

The plan had only two  goals in mind…

My daughter would know she has a VOICE and given the POWER to use it come what may…

I swore, these two things I was denied she would have.

Don’t get me wrong it was a hard task to under take.

You see, it’s hard for a broken to raise a whole…

Turns out God was on my side and the desired end result was accomplished

However, my sorrow runs deep the price paid for this grand designs to be seen to futation is steep.

The price paid for this nobel plan of action was the Mom being seen for what she is….something to be left behind.

It’s expected…

I taught her to expect the best walk away from anything less.

I showed her all my flaws cause the only way to teach her what to be was to show her what not to be (which was me)

Yes, I wish I could turn back the time and show her by being the person I wanted her to be….

I wish we shared more hugs and kisses….

But with heavy heart I knew raising a child was not about me.

I am proud to say my daughter is perfection.

Looking back I now realize the process of raising her was also the process of raising me.

Perhaps in time, she will desire to know the woman I never knew untill recently myself.

But if not, my tears are wiped away by the knowledge of my success in raising a whole while broken myself.

A Common Yellow Flower

I saw a young girl pick a flower.

Eyes filled with wonder, seeing all the beauty around her.

The wind, being mean, lifted her dress.

Youth, with all its wisdom, shielded her from shame.

 

To me, all the flowers looked the same.

However her attention was focused on her great find.

What special attributes did that one hold to posses her undivided love?

My heart broke realizing my jaded aged eyes were blind.

 

Little flying insects flew all around.

Going from one flower to another.

The little girl took no head of the options before her.

All the while, little pests went from one flower to the next.

 

Mother Nature was orchestrating a fantastic show.

Sun shining; wind blowing; grass swaying

The girl gently tickled her nose.

Swaying back and forth with the partner she chose.