Time for mommy to come clean…and reveal her innermost thoughts.
They are not pretty
Voices in my head chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame!”
Beats of my heart thump,
“Let it out! Let it out!”
First, let me be blunt…I did not want the responsibility of being a Mom
Despite what the voices in my head say, I am not stupid…
Growing up, I was not given the opportunity to learn by example
How could I love the creation of someone I hated?
I planned on spending my life finding a HERO who was willing to take on this ZERO
Afterall, I did not know what was missing….
As a child, I always did as instructed…
I was to watch the world around me…
Active participation was forbidden!
I always delivered the lines I was given…I was dumb, I was lazy, I was thoughtless, I was dirty….
I always observed other players with awe and envy…
Why did they always get top billing?
I felt the HAPPY, PRIDE, CONTENTMENT, and SECURITY from them as they walked by…and felt empty inside…but they NEVER took a second look.
I figured they were instructed to over look.
Throughout it all…a whisper would occasionally tickle my ear, “Take the smile off.”
Occasionally, I was embolden enough to follow that whisper’s instruction
Parental, family, and religious correction was always swiftly given
The primary rule, me and my siblings were given, was always keep our smiles in place because ANY form of happy kept secrets HIDDEN…
Any secret revealed would mean the end of our world and WE ALL would be left with nothing
Long story short….
At 17 I knew I was of age to explore and find me…
However, due to lack of guidance at the time it took awhile to find what I was instructed to keep hidden.
I found myself playing a role of a good for nothing person who had no worth
This was the role I was playing when I got knocked up by a guy I now refer to as, “Her Father.”
Despite the handicap I was given, I knew, some way and some how I had to do better than I was given.
I had to figure a way to use the information I gathered watching others around me…
I grand plan was put in place…
The plan had only two goals in mind…
My daughter would know she has a VOICE and given the POWER to use it come what may…
I swore, these two things I was denied she would have.
Don’t get me wrong it was a hard task to under take.
You see, it’s hard for a broken to raise a whole…
Turns out God was on my side and the desired end result was accomplished
However, my sorrow runs deep the price paid for this grand designs to be seen to futation is steep.
The price paid for this nobel plan of action was the Mom being seen for what she is….something to be left behind.
I taught her to expect the best walk away from anything less.
I showed her all my flaws cause the only way to teach her what to be was to show her what not to be (which was me)
Yes, I wish I could turn back the time and show her by being the person I wanted her to be….
I wish we shared more hugs and kisses….
But with heavy heart I knew raising a child was not about me.
I am proud to say my daughter is perfection.
Looking back I now realize the process of raising her was also the process of raising me.
Perhaps in time, she will desire to know the woman I never knew untill recently myself.
But if not, my tears are wiped away by the knowledge of my success in raising a whole while broken myself.