Ugly Floral Couch (Sestina)

Sitting on the family’s ugly floral couch,

Little brother and I dared not fidget.

Knowing doing so would make Dad come more undone.

In situations like this, we found ourselves many times.

It was always best to wait till the old man tired.

This day, however, was worse than all the others.


As a family, we were looked down by others.

I’m sure they could not miss our house’s tension when sitting on our ugly couch.

Living the family lie was very tiring.

I longed for escape and it showed by my tendency to fidget.

To fidget was only one of many of our crimes. We were yelled at all the time.

Our parents, not known by most, were prone to frequently come undone.


Little brother and I came accustomed to living a life undone.

We were well aware we were not like all the others.

But being obedient children, we pretended we were all the time.

If we did not, we knew, we would end up sitting for a long time on the couch.

I don’t believe my parents knew amount of effort we made not to fidget.

These lengthy lectures about how much we were lacking made me so tired.


Even telling my tale now is making me feel incredibly tired.

Now that I am the age of them, way back then, I live in fear of becoming undone.

At least, I’m old enough not to be told to stop fidgeting.

In fact, at this point in my life, I don’t like being told anything by others.

In addition, as God as my witness, I will never own an ugly floral couch.

It appears what I will do and not do is how I spend a lot of my time.


I suppose, I should return to the topic at hand and talk about that time,

when little brother and I were waiting for the old man to tire.

I can not express the extreme distaste I sill have for that couch.

I must continue and reveal how the old man went beyond undone.

It really was worse than all the others.

Excuse me while I fidget.


Talking about that time, I always start to shake. Sorry, I always mask my shakes with fidgets.

As a general rule, I find it best, not to think about that awful time.

His marathon rants were usual. When he got the gun it became worse than the others.

When he said we all were making him do it and put the gun in his mouth…all I felt was tired.

I guess the old man really came undone right then.

All I cared about was going to bed…and getting off that damn couch.


What I am haunted by, is being so evil, that I dared to feel tired,

while my father, with gun in mouth, became more undone than any other time.

Ironically, since then, I spent a lot of time seeking redemption from others while sitting on a ugly couch.


What I Live For

I live for

Four in the morning fresh air

air that fills my lungs every time I breathe

breathe in and out so I can stop my sobs that show my despair

despair over the past

past that they said could not last but I swear

swear at the pain I have inside that goes on and on

on untill  I rest and shows its ugly face again in a nightmare

nightmare is living in limbo of being given a second chance

chance  to find a way to tell myself and the past me to beware

beware of those that lie and say you are not good

good was a grading that you, in fact, exceeded but your lot in life was unfair

unfair to endure the pain and have to wait and hurt while you pray for the gain

gain of understanding and being surrounded by those who comfort you when you despair

despair that you did not earn but given

given means you can throw it away I swear

swear you will as soon as you can, trust yourself of the future

future will be better and you will still live for

Four in the morning fresh air.

– – Today I’m taking part in ‘What I Live For’, an online event organised by author Satya Robyn. People like me all over the world will be sharing what gives their lives meaning. In Satya Robyn’s novel ‘Thaw’, Ruth gives herself three months to decide whether she can find a reason to carry on living. There’s 75% off the kindle version today (99p / $1.49) – read more here: – –

Just by chance?

A fellow blogger who posted “I LOVE YOU” to all his readers. He also expressed that his childhood lessons never included how to express his love in ways that were healthy like verbally and hugging. To prove his sincerity he revealed his real name. This is my response as it was sent with no spell check or editing. 

I came by to pay you a visit and I discovered THIS. Some would call THIS a post. Doing so, would not be technically incorrect. However, giving THIS any one single name would be horribly wrong in so many ways. THIS is your heart. THIS is your pain. THIS is your wish. THIS is your confession. THIS is your end. THIS is your start. THIS is your past. THIS is our future. THIS is your connection. THIS is even more than you and I can mention.

I know THIS was hard to give the world. For that reason, I want to show you that the world that your fear will treat you the same as the man who had the title of Father in your life; is actually very loving if you are aware of its acts of tender care. While it would be easy to just dismiss the meeting of us as chance. Perhaps it is. But my desire to believe that all the forces of evil I have encountered in my life must have a force in place to balance it out makes me believe us meeting was not just chance. I will give some evidence to support my belief.

I started my very first blog just a little over a month ago. By chance, I came across a post the_Lunatic made that impressed me so much I introduced myself. By chance, she told me the reason for her blog was to be honest with herself and the world so she could hopefully get some power over her demons. By chance, I share her mission. By chance, the good impression she made on me made me to read her blog regular when most of the times I just allow the reader decide which blog will get my attention. By chance, I came across you through her blog. By chance, I decided to check out what you offered. By chance, I loved what I saw. By chance, On May 5th I posted the following on Facebook, “Billie Ann Howell-Zahir – One of the saddest things I ever had to admit to another person was the sad fact I did not know how to hug. Sure, I knew the mechanics of the process but my insecurities and fears made the act more painful than enjoyable. Recently, I’ve practiced more while letting go of my fears and insecurities. Now….I wonder how I survived without them. :) By chance, you posted this on May 7th. By chance, today one of my followers told me they found you through me and was highly impressed. By chance, I decided to check in with you. By chance, I found THIS. By chance, while so many others shared pain similar to yours as a child, it is me who KNOWS the shame and burden not knowing how to be hugged and hug. By chance, I know from experience the constant torture I endure being a person who is so full of love for others it often overflows and looks silly yet I fear hugs still despite the efforts I made to embrace the act of hugging.

I might be wrong…but what are the chances of all these chances happening to put me in place to write this to you in hopes to comfort?

Thank you so much for offering THIS. THIS gives you more of an identity than any name given or chosen could. But to keep things easy…I will call you any name you feel is best.

LOVE from me to you….


“Be back in just a minute” is what he said.

These words bounce all over in my head.

The bitch clock taunts, “Tic toc, tic toc.”

I stay strong; tears unshed.

Rage festers instead.

Tic toc, tic toc.

In the past,

bled; now




People all around

Yet I’m all alone

Sad state to be in

Mother’s Day 2013

As of a few moments ago, I hit a Mommy all time low.

I asked a girl, who is about my daughter’s age, to be my pretend daughter this year.

How sad is that?

This is not literary trickery,

this is my real life.

I know it’s something unheard of

to have a child who wants nothing to do with you…

but that is the reality that rips out my heart every day

and this Mother’s Day

will slam it to the ground and stomp all the blood out.

So, in reality,

my pathetic request of a young lady

who does not despise me and who,

I honestly believe,

believes I have some worth…

is an attempt to save my life.

I know one day

Baby of mine

will allow me

back into her life.

My only goal…

is to live and see that day.

That will be the day

I will be resurrected

no longer be this shell of a woman

you now see before you.


Born a beggar with hand held out.

“Pardon me sir, can you spare a hug?”

“Excuse me lady, do you have an extra kiss?”

Food, shelter and clothing
Were panhandling earnings. However, yearnings were for so much more.

Desire was great to be that one gift in a person’s life

that made them think THEY were not worthy

to be in possession

of someone

full of light fresh from HEAVEN.

This is the birthright this beggar was denied.

So here I am….a beggar with hand held out.

Peace Found

I saw the lake

I sat on the rock

I listened to the sounds

I shut off my mind

PEACE is what I found

I was beauty as far as the eye could see

I was comfort for those who sought rest

I had all the right words at the right time

I LOVED me at that moment

Peace is what I found

You find that place

You take a seat

You listen to all the sounds around

You shut off your mind

PEACE is what you will find

Mother’s RIng

After being reminded of our Mother’s birthday,

I remembered the Mother’s ring she was given by us all

on some occasion I do not recall.

I do not know what her feelings


or are

about that ring

but I do know mine.

I remember growing up

being amazed

how all the stones were arranged

in a way that would make anyone think each stone,

right to left,

were not placed in order of birth.

September’s sapphires placed at either end.

The first was a son.

The last was a son.

Both turned out to be the daughter’s emotional rocks.

Always looking at the sensibility of living in a family unit

and enjoying

not having the emotional outbursts

that rocked the boat of our clan.

They have learned

if they walked away long enough…

all would be well when they returned.

Next to sapphires is the garnets.

Eldest daughter

Youngest daughter

Both share the same dirty brown stone,

 loud laughs everyone enjoys hearing…

and little else.

The eldest found her path in life early and never thought to stray.

The youngest path is a wondering one

she has no want to find ”the path” but explore them all.

Both believe paths are ”right”

and never see eye to eye.

Both blind to their similarity

of freely giving bits of wisdom

out of love.

In the middle of the ring

 two stones that have no match.

Growing up,

I felt sad

about their aloneness.

Only after getting older,

and learning who the people were

did I see the connection

between the stones

and the persons.

The Diamond is rare

holds great value.

Worth of the pale stone

risks being forgotten

when surrounded by all the color.

This person,

like the diamond,

stands out

catching fire in the light.

She draws eyes

to the beauty of the stones

yet refuses to be outshone by them.

The lone emerald

the remaining daughter

just like in the ring

brings a sense of peace

and purity

to the collection.

Both beautiful enough to stand alone

but opts to bring he gifts to all.

I loved that ring as a child.

The ring is how

I knew my older brothers and sisters.

I hope Mom passes it on to me.

As long as that ring has us all in a row together,

I have hope

someday,we can do the same.

Free from past baggage

and learn to appreciate the beauty of each other.

Much love to them all

from this

dirty red


Taking the Love Outta Love

Sitting here freshly bathed
Panties not bothered to be put on


For some effort made from your side


You make it clear it will happen
But only when your ready


But that’s just you prepping
This, I’ve learned is my sign to be


Is all I can give with this approach
This love-making is not what we had before
yet your expectations are the same


Is how your actions make me feel
Tried to use words to express how I feel
You respond with silence
The sex, I don’t miss


I miss those being between us
Wish these things could be fixed

Putting on a Show

My JOY is a dancing elephant

Bigger than life standing on two feet

Putting on a show for all those watching

Smiles are on all who can’t help to find the positive vibes

from this Majestic Beast infectious

People’s minds are so focused on what they are seeing



they forget

This oddity that fills them with so much elation

is in reality just a

plain ol grey pachyderm

and something that would be easy to ignore

and forgotten

The illusion is kept

as long as can be

However, like all good things, the dancing ends

The beast is tired and can’t continue to entertain

Two feet that were once in the air; come down

without a sound

A proud trunk which once delighted the crowd with a trumpeting sounds

Now went limp with exhaustion

and the now hidden mouth is panting

The once exalted animal exits the arena

Those who once were enthralled

divert their attention

to the new attraction put in place

diverting attention from the lumbering animal’s slow retreat

After departure of the now forgotten spectical

People continued to have a grand time

untill they were told it was time to head home…

When the time has come for the tent to come down

People heading out never associated the big animals doing manual labor

who they feel no sympathy

with the fascinating beasts

who defied gravity  and made grand sounds

bringing them such delight.

That is why

my joy is a dancing elephant.

Not a poem just some free writing that will lead up to one with time. :)

I once got lost in the town I lived in.

It was the middle of the night not another car in sight.

Everything looked familiar yet strange.

Right when I ran out of gas and I laid my head on the wheel wondering if I would ever be found….my step-dad Ray knocked on the window.

To this day he has been the only man who missed me when I was gone enough to go that extra mile to find me.

That is a story I need to tell.

He Let Her Dance

A girl,
denied her youth,
steals a moment.
Rain falling
Sun shining
Puddles forming
Believed her new umbrella
would be her only witness
as she danced without worry
just for an instant.
She finally felt the joy
of not trying to be perfect.
Shoes wet
Movements clumsy
Umbrella twirling
Her treasured moment
was shattered in an instant.
A man she spied
who was not her Father
yet claimed he loved her Mother.
All efforts to be perfect…gone.
She was caught
being perfectly imperfect.
Her dismay turned to delight.
Eyes did not belittle
Voice did not raise
Mouth did not frown
Her heavy heart lifted.
She felt tiny seed of worth planted
and vowed to love him forever
in an instant.

Battle Cry

You evil man who plays the victim…I have a message for you.

(don’t run and hide)

Your days are numbered. This I can assure you.

For the longest time I have camped outside your Tower of Lies…denied entrance by your victims installed as guards.

I wonder what you will say when asked to account for your torture of the ones you were tasked to nurture…

Will you claim to be innocent because you were once a victim?

That excuse will not fly guy. The pain you endured will not give you asylum from the pain you inflicted.

By circumstance, I was saved from your worse. And the guilt I feel for this fuels my desire…to see you and your fortress burned up by fire.

Years have passed. You are old. We are still broken. But I can finally see you are starting to weaken.

I pray your fall allows those you now hold prisoner freedom from lies you told and they can finally see the strength, power, and beauty they posses.

Untill they are released I will remain your tormented victim.

Scruffy Angel With A Message

I want to share a story to show my gratitude for one of the best gifts I have ever been given.

The gift I hold so dear, was presented to be by a fellow junkie.

We had nothing in common besides our shared addiction and the building we were housed in.

We would kill time between therapy, smokes, snacks, and meals talking about this, that, and nothing.

However, during one of our one on one stress relieving sessions, I told a story that was always so painful and filled me with shame…

Even though I was only a child and the victim.

As soon as I started…

I wanted to stop…

but couldn’t.

Instead I told my sad tale like it was a joke.

I laughed at my pain so as not to burden this recent stranger with feeling obligated to pretend he cared and give me some token pity.

I wanted to end it with a final laugh and give him a Newport as payment for his time…

But to my surprise no pity was given. In its place I was given the permission to allow my feelings be first.

He told me my story was not funny and I did not need to laugh.

He knew what happened must have hurt…

The weight of my pain was less as he showed me compassion.

He said when somebody hurts me it should not be funny.

He gently put his hand on mine and said he thought it would be better if I cried.

At that moment that wonderful junkie served as a wittiness to my tears I always kept hidden…

When I already felt he gave me so much…he gave me one more.

I saw tears fall from his eyes.

How could a victim ask for anything more!

Soon after, we went our separate ways…

But I swear this on a stack of Bibles…his gift will always remain close to my heart.

And in my heart, I know this grand gift could never be given by a nice junkie unless God used him to teach me this life changing lesson.

I don’t ask why God allowed such a bad thing to happen.

Asking why does not take pain away. It did, and that’s that.

However, the pain I lived with for so long did feel less the day God used a kind junkie to give me the permission and compassion needed to make it easier to deal with. 

A Reflection’s Final Adieu

My worth is more than the reflection of you that I allow you to see.

You like what you see of you reflected in my eyes.

Consider my reflection of a gift…from me to you.

However, I would be remiss if I did not warn.

While my reflection of you is true…

My goal is to find the person who reflects me the very way I reflect you.

I know there is beauty to be found in the ugly I feel.

This is the truth of the matter…

We are not creatures designed to live in this world solo. We all feel the need to be part of a duo.

I used to think you were my other half but time has shown the reflection of you is why you want me by your side


This is evident with the anger you show when I turn you pretty reflection off and allow the ugly shine thru

Or when you display irrational jealousy when I care enough to reflect another in a loving effort to allow them to see the beauty they have.

I am hoping you someday find the person you can see your reflection in and care enough about to reflect them back…

But my time reflecting you is over and done.

It’s time for me to go in search for my radiant reflection in somebody new.


Emotional Ride (A nod to Tony Haynes)

Although all alone

     Bothersome thinking nil

Caged they appear to be

     Distant rumbles heard

Escape accomplished

     Fear sets in

Gaining momentum

     Harbor in minds they seek

Insanity is their mission

     Jokes not said heard

Kind words sought

     Laughter blasting

Mockery of pain felt

     Nods of approval needed

Open arms sought

     Pleas for pain to vacate

Quickly relief is found

     Retreating fast like it came

Salvation is found again

     Tremendous weight lifted

Unique this ride is not

     Virtually found world-wide

Women Men alike

     X-ing them from society

Your compassion is asked

     Zilch is the cost

A Mother’s Confession

Time for mommy to come clean…and reveal her innermost thoughts.

They are not pretty

Voices in my head chant, “Shame! Shame! Shame!”

Beats of my heart thump,
“Let it out! Let it out!”

First, let me be blunt…I did not want the responsibility of being a Mom

Despite what the voices in my head say, I am not stupid…

Growing up, I was not given the opportunity to learn by example


How could I love the creation of someone I hated?

I planned on spending my life finding a HERO who was willing to take on this ZERO

Afterall, I did not know what was missing….

As a child, I always did as instructed…

I was to watch the world around me…

Active participation was forbidden!

I always delivered the lines I was given…I was dumb, I was lazy, I was thoughtless, I was dirty….

I always observed other players with awe and envy…

Why did they always get top billing?

I felt the HAPPY, PRIDE, CONTENTMENT, and SECURITY from them as they walked by…and felt empty inside…but they NEVER took a second look.

I figured they were instructed to over look.

Throughout it all…a whisper would occasionally tickle my ear, “Take the smile off.”

Occasionally, I was embolden enough to follow that whisper’s instruction


Parental, family, and religious correction was always swiftly given

The primary rule, me and my siblings were given, was always keep our smiles in place because ANY form of happy kept secrets HIDDEN…

Any secret revealed would mean the end of our world and WE ALL would be left with nothing

Long story short….

At 17 I knew I was of age to explore and find me…

However, due to lack of guidance at the time it took awhile to find what I was instructed to keep hidden.

I found myself playing a role of a good for nothing person who had no worth

This was the role I was playing when I got knocked up by a guy I now refer to as, “Her Father.”

Despite the handicap I was given, I knew, some way and some how I had to do better than I was given.

I had to figure a way to use the information I gathered watching others around me…

I grand plan was put in place…

The plan had only two  goals in mind…

My daughter would know she has a VOICE and given the POWER to use it come what may…

I swore, these two things I was denied she would have.

Don’t get me wrong it was a hard task to under take.

You see, it’s hard for a broken to raise a whole…

Turns out God was on my side and the desired end result was accomplished

However, my sorrow runs deep the price paid for this grand designs to be seen to futation is steep.

The price paid for this nobel plan of action was the Mom being seen for what she is….something to be left behind.

It’s expected…

I taught her to expect the best walk away from anything less.

I showed her all my flaws cause the only way to teach her what to be was to show her what not to be (which was me)

Yes, I wish I could turn back the time and show her by being the person I wanted her to be….

I wish we shared more hugs and kisses….

But with heavy heart I knew raising a child was not about me.

I am proud to say my daughter is perfection.

Looking back I now realize the process of raising her was also the process of raising me.

Perhaps in time, she will desire to know the woman I never knew untill recently myself.

But if not, my tears are wiped away by the knowledge of my success in raising a whole while broken myself.

Hurting You Don’t Come Easy (response to Neil Diamond’s song of same title)

I never stopped askin’ why
Boy, my well’s always been full.
Then again, you were always a prideful fool.

Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason
You shoulda stayed

Once you acted so sure of us
But what was once upon a time before our fairy tale ended.
Your mind, not time changed
You quit on our dreams of finding “happily ever after”

Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason
You shoulda stayed

Have you ever found what you seek?
Did you even get a peek?
I hope you discover, before you die, what you want you left behind.

If you don’t look behind to find your future

Boy, it hurts me to tell you

I don’t care where you go

or who you meet

you will always find your well full of sand

Because, my love, I have all your water.

Loving me was easy for a reason
God only knows
He made me easy for you to love for a reason…

You needed to stay.
God only knows.

Shatterd Glass

Shattered glass on the floor; Impossible to ignore

“Time heals all wounds,” they say


Declares the people bleeding.


Amongst the shattered pieces

droplets of red can be seen.

Some browned with age

Some still a fresh screaming scarlet.

Who is to pick up this mess?

Those who have tried bleed.

Those afraid stand in one place.

Who is sane? Who is crazy?

One thing for certain…

We all see the shattered pieces of glass on the floor

because it is impossible to ignore.